


On Borrowed Time

by Flubberwurm



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Drama, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Gen, Hurt, Hurt No Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, It's a sad fanfic okay, Pining Remus Lupin, Unhappy Ending, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-24
Updated: 2018-07-24
Packaged: 2019-06-15 15:06:45
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,933
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15415650
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Flubberwurm/pseuds/Flubberwurm
Summary: It is October 1981 and Remus Lupin's life is on a downward spiral. The new anti-werewolf legislation makes it almost impossible for him to find any work, war is raging all around him and his three best friends suspect him of being a spy. Only one source of light remains in his life, one person who, despite everything, does not abandon him: Lily Potter.It is October 1981 and Remus Lupin's life is about to fall apart





	On Borrowed Time

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Gezählte Tage](https://archiveofourown.org/works/15402684) by [Flubberwurm](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Flubberwurm/pseuds/Flubberwurm). 



> This is a translation of my German fanfiction "Gezählte Tage", which you can find on my profile as well. English is not my native language, so please forgive me if my English is a bit off at times. (And please do tell me so I can fix it. :) ) I hope you will enjoy the story regardless, I certainly enjoyed writing it. <3

On Borrowed Time

* * *

 

1  
It was the 14th of October 1981. He was in the forest. His name was Remus Lupin. Bit by bit these fragmented pieces of information returned to him. He looked around: Nothing but trees and and a few patches of fog. He was alone. Remus breathed a sigh of relief und closed his eyes for a moment. This forest was one of the few places in the country where werewolves were legally permitted to transform, and as such it was heavily protected with Muggle-Repelling Charms and avoided by witches and wizards, but despite all this the fear of one day waking up next to a mangled body was hard to shake. It had been so much easier when his friends had still accompanied him on his full-moon adventures and had had an eye on him. But those days, he thought with regret, were over.

  
He felt slightly sick like every month after the full-moon. Breathing heavily, he remained motionless on the leaf-strewn forest floor for anothew few minutes. Every tiny movement hurt. In the past few hours every muscle and every bone of his body had been streched, compressed and twisted in impossible ways to match the shape of the wolf. It was difficult for him to move at all after these nights, and it often took days until he was able to do so without pain again. But he could not lie here forever, he had to get up. Already he was shivering in the cool October wind, and if the years had taught him one thing, then it was to grit his teeth, push through the pain and do whatever needed to be done. He succeeded, panting and cursing, in raising himself up into a sitting position. A brief inspection of his body was encouraging - he didn't seem to have gotten into any fights at least. He knew that he wasn't the only werewolf who came here to transform. Everything hurt, but at least as far has he could see he seemed to have remained in one piece. Only his left wrist was swollen and painful and there was something not quite right with one of his knees. Perhaps the bones had not quite found together during his retransformation. He would have to take care of it later, when he had found his wand again.

  
He struggled onto his feet and leaned heavily against a near-by tree as he recalled the spot in the forest where he had left his clothes and his wand behind and which he had carefully imprinted onto his memory before he had walked deeper into the forest to transform, shaking from cold and well-known fear. A blink of an eye later he found himself back at just that spot, grabbed his belongings and apparated on into his living room, where he immediately collapsed onto the armchair in front of the fireplace.

For a moment he simply sat there and held his eyes closed while tiny stars were dancing behind their lids. He was yearning for his bed and to just sleep this terrible weakness away, but he knew that he would regret it if he didn't first take care of his injuries at least provisionally.

With a sigh he reached for his wand, lit a small fire and got to work. First he decided set the bones of his bad leg. After a few moments of sharp pain and worrying crunching noises – it may have been his bones or his gritted teeth – it was over. Carefully he moved his leg from side to side, tried bending the knee and shifting some of his weight onto it. It seemed to be better. Remus sent a quiet prayer of thanks to Madam Pomfrey, who had taught him a number of such healing spells during his time at Hogwarts.

He wasn't quite sure what had happened to his wrist, so he decided to simply put a bandage around it and let it heal on its own. That at least should not take too long: One of the few advantages of being a werewolf, he thought grimly, as he finally put on the clean underwear and the pyjama which he had placed on top of his bed the night before and snuggled down in his bed, teeth chattering a bit from the cold. Almost immediately he fell into an uneasy sleep full of disturbing images and the indistinct feeling of being both hunter and hunted.

 

„Remus? Remus, are you awake?“

The sound of a familiar voice woke him. He blinked a few times to free himself from the last threads of a dream which he already only half remembered. The sun was high in the sky. It had to be late afternoon already.

„Lily?“ It took a moment, before the full weight of it hit him. „Lily! What are you doing here, has anything happened?“

He hurried out of bed, every fibre of his body painfully protesting, and knelt down in front of the fireplace where Lily's face hovered over the last glowing embers of what had once been his fire.

„No“, Lily hurried to reassure him, „I'm just calling to see how you're doing.“ - _Calling_ , this word from the muggle world, a world they both knew from their childhoods, had always been an inside joke between them, their word for talking via floo powder. It had been a long time since they had last called one another, and that for a good reason.

„Lily, are you mad!?“, Remus hissed, „Floo powder! What if they trace you?“

„Relax, Remus, the floo network is safe. The ministry still hasn't fallen.“

„Not officially“, Remus corrected her, „You never know how deeply they might have infiltrated it already. Lily, you can't afford the risk!“

„Okay, let me come over then so I can get off the line.“

Remus quickly surveyed his room. The mess – yesterday's clothes still lay on the floor and the dirty dishes of the past few days were stacked up on the counter – made him feel a bit embarrassed, but that did not matter right now. With a wave of his wand he closed all the curtains so nobody could look inside. The meager fire in front of him was now the only source of light in the room.

„Okay, come on in then, quickly.“

He stepped asidde and lit a few candles in the hope that they would give the place a slightly more inviting look. A second later Lily stepped out of his fireplace and knocked a bit of ash off her cloak and onto the floor.

„Lily, you really shouldn't have come.“

„Oh, not again“, Lily groaned, „I've already heard it all from James. He didn't want me to come either.“

„And he is right. This really isn't a good place for you to be right now. I wouldn't be surprised if half my neighbours were Death Eaters or sympathisers! What if somebody notices you?“ In his mind he frantically went through all the protective spells that lay on his residence. With another flick of his wand and the mumbling of a phrase he quickly reactivated the apparating ban on his flat, which he only removed for a brief time for his full-moon nights. He prayed that he hadn't missed anything. „Dumbledore has strictly adviced you not to leave the house anymore.“

„I know“, Lily replied, more serious now, „But just I have to check up on you after a full-moon night like this. I know that Sirius doesn't come round anymore.“

Somewhere near the pit of his stomach Remus felt a heavy kind of emptiness spreading.

„Remus“, she looked him up and down with visible concern. He could hardly make for a very impressive sight. „How are you?“

He shrugged, a gesture he immediately regretted. After a night on all fours his shoulders always tended to be especially sore. „Not worse than usual, I suppose. A few days of rest, a little sleep and I'll be as good as new.“ He gave a wry smile. When, after all, had he ever been 'as good as new'?

„If you're tired“, Lily hurried to say, „and you'd like me to leave, then please just let me know. I don't want to steal any more of your sleep, I just … wanted to make sure you made it home again in one piece.“

„No, it's quite alright“, Remus sighed and wrapped himself in his morning gown. „Lately I don't sleep very well anyway.“ He carefully lowered himself onto the edge of his bed on the other side of the room – which, given the very limited space he could afford, was not particularly far away – and gestured towards the only armchair, in front of the fireplace. „Please, sit and stay as long as you want to.“

He couldn't deny that her appearance had suddenly brought what felt like a bit of warmth into his draughty little apartment. The world seemed to weigh less heavily on his shoulders when he looked at her. It had been so long since they had last seen each other. He didn't want to be alone again, alone with the pain, with his thoughts, with all the darkness lurking in every corner. He knew that it was selfish of him, he knew that she put herself in danger, but he wished that she would stay.

Lily sat down on the armchair and the emptiness in his stomach was replaced by a much lighter, warmer feeling.

„I brought you some soup, if you want it“, she said. Only now did Remus notice the bag in her hands. „Just bring the containers back whenever. Or keep them, if you have use for them, doesn't really matter to me. Oh“, she dug around for something in the bag and handed it to him, „and this is for you as well.“

Remus took it. It was a large bar of chocolate, the expensive kind which Lily knew he liked but would never buy for himself.

He made a delighted noise at the back of his throat as he saw it. „Lily, you're the best.“

„At least I always like that one when I have my monthly troubles“, Lily added with a mischievous glint in her eyes. Remus had heard the joke a thousand times, but coming from Lily he did not mind it. On the contrary, he enjoyed the conspirative feeling of community that it created between them.

With a mock-offended glance at her Remus opened the packaging and broke off a piece.

„You know what's good in life“, he said and gave her the piece of chocolate, which she thankfully accepted, before helping himself. After all the lackluster meals he usually ate, the chocolate tasted heavenly. He closed his eyes for a moment and just savoured the taste. Then he returned his attention to Lily, whose eyes were resting pensively upon him.

„Seriously Lily, I appreciate you coming. I didn't want to sound rude earlier.“

„No worries, Remus. It feels good to leave the house at least every couple of weeks.“ The exhaustion in her voice made Remus think. He was quick to succumb to self-pity these days and he tended to feel terribly sorry for himself and his situation, but at least he was free to go whereever he wanted, at least he did not have to live with the knowledge that no other

than Lord Voldemort himself was after his life, that one word spoken by a treacherous friend could become a death sentence for him and his family.

„How are you holding up with all of this?“, he asked softly.

„With the constant cat-and-mouse game against the most dangerous wizard of all time?“, Lily asked with a sigh. „Well, it could be worse, I suppose. At least we don't have to hole up in some cave, we can stay in our own house. As long as our protective spells hold and our friends don't betray us, that is.“

She gazed darkly into the dim fire. There was the problem. They both knew that it had become impossible to deny that there was a spy in their midst who secretly passed on information to Voldemort's people.

„It's not always easy“, she continued, „it drives you a bit mad, being cooped up like that all the time. It's especially bad for James. You know how much he hates having to be idle ... You get a bit paranoid. But we try our best to cling on to what normality we have left.“ Her features suddenly softened. „Having Harry helps immensely.“

„Speaking of normality“, she suddenly turned towards Remus again, „We're having a little Halloween party – nothing too exciting, we'll be just a small group with a one-year-old – but if you want to come …?“

Remus knew that 'a small group' could only mean him, Sirius and Peter. James and Lily had, little by little, had to cut out most of their other friends and acquaintances until only this innermost circle remained. The risk of receiving visitors at all would otherwise have been to great. Since Lily and James had moved a few months ago only a handful of people still knew their new address at all. Remus felt deep gratitude to be a part of this small, tight-knit group of people, even though he knew that by now Lily was the only link that kept him tied to the rest of them, that, truthfully, he had already become little more of an annoying appendage.

„Won't work“, Remus shook his head and was almost grateful to have such an easy excuse, „Dumbledore is going to send me up North towards the end of October. There are quite a few werewolf packs gathering up there, we suspect them to be under Voldemort's command. Dumbledore wants people on site and he wants me to join them as ...“, Remus grimaced, ”an expert.”

”Okay, we'll just have the party a bit earlier then.”

”Lily, you really don't need to trouble youselves on my-”

”It'll be no trouble at all to find another date. It's not like our calendars are overflowing with appointments lately.” Her green gaze held his. „I would really like to have you there. Please.“

He knew that she mainly wanted to do him a favour, that the thought of him spending every day alone in this hole depressed her. And if he was honest, it depressed him too. He gave a sad smile. „And does anyone else want me there?“

„James does.“ Remus knew that this meant Lily had argued with him and that he had reluctantly agreed to invite him. „And besides, until then the whole business with the Fidelius Charm is hopefully over, and then even Sirius should have no more objections.“

Remus gave a resignated snort. „They really think I'm the spy, don't they?“

Lily fell silent for a moment. „Sirius thinks you're the spy, yes. James … I don't think he honestly suspects you of anything, but you know how highly he thinks of Sirius' opinions. I don't really know what Peter is thinking, he's so quiet lately.“ She hesitated briefly before she continued. „He doesn't contradict Sirius anyway.“

Remus sighed. „Well, it isn't all that far-fetched, is it? We know that there is a spy, and“, He let his ganze wander sadly through his shabby apartment, „we also know who could quite use a bit of bribe money.“ His smile was bitter. „They really could fork that over some time, by the way.“

Even he heard the slight tremor in his voice at his next question.

„Do you think that I'm the spy?“

She fell silent for a brief, intensely uncomfortable, moment. „No, Remus“, she said finally, „I know you and I just can't believe that you would do such a thing.“ She heaved a heavy sigh.

„But then again I can't believe that about any of our friends, and yet You-Know-Who has gotten information he should never have been able to.“

Remus felt a sharp pain in his chest at how exhausted and dejected she sounded. How much it must cost her to live with that danger, that uncertainty, that fear, day after day.

„You're sure that you can trust Sirius?“, he asked in a low voice. He couldn't help but find the way his old friend tried to spread distrust against him suspicious. But he wasn't sure if that wasn't simply bitterness talking. „That you want to make him your Secret Keeper?“

Lily nodded, „Yes“, but she looked sad as she said it, avoiding his eyes, „Yes, we trust him.“

Remus too found it hard to imagine that Sirius would ever betray Lily and James. Whatever might have happened between Remus and him in recent times, Padfoot and Prongs had always been connected by a sheer unbreakable bond of friendship from the very first moment on. And from all of Sirius' bitter tirades Remus knew all too well how deeply and intensely he hated his Death Eater family and everything they stood for.

With a sigh, Remus leaned back again. „No, you're probably right. Sirius is a good choice.“

Maybe, Remus thought, the spy wasn't one of them after all. Maybe it had been somebody from Lily's and James' wider circle of friends who had leaked the information. Who of them could it be, anyway? Peter perhaps, softhearted Peter, always full of admiration for his friend James?

Lily nodded again. It broke Remus' heart to see her this despondent. Even though the sting of his friends' distrust – that there would be a Secret Keeper at all he had only heard through Lily – still sat deeply, he tried giving her a encouraging smile.

„But that's good, isn't it? Then you'll soon get to feel safe again. You'll get a piece of normality back.“

„Yes, I suppose you're right ...“ She seemed to make an effort to pull herself together and push her gloomy thoughts away. „So. Speaking of normality: If we're having the party early, will you come?“

Remus surrendered. „Yes, alright. If I'm not called to the Ministry that day, that is“, he added with a hint of bitterness.

„To the Ministry? Why?“, Lily asked. It suddenly hit Remus, how long it had been since they had last talked to one another at length. How long it had been since he had talked to another person about himself at all.

He took a deep breath before he began to talk. He would have to choose his words very carefully if he didn't want them to deteriorate into a bitter tirade.

„According to the latest decree of the Ministry everyone who is listed in the Werewolf Registry“, he sarcastically lifted a hand, „is required by law to regularly report back to the Ministry and to account for their whereabouts and actions. You know, because we all just can't wait to join Voldemort. They want to make sure that none of us can go underground without them noticing it.“ Even Remus had to admit that this fear wasn't all that unfounded. Most werewolves were indeed supporters of Lord Voldemort. And yet he couldn't help but ask himself the grim question if that percentage wouldn't be a lot lower if the Ministry didn't make life so hard for them with its endless decrees and regulations.

He continued darkly: „These appointments are announced at extremely short notice so you can't prepare for them. They want to catch you off guard.“ He felt the heat of anger rising inside of him. It was all so unfair! „And damn frequent those appointments are, too. By now I'm getting one of those bloody owls almost every week.“ - And there it was already, all the frustration that had built up in him over weeks and months came flooding out. His gaze fixed on the clenched fists in his lap, every muscle of his aching body tense with poorly held-back anger, he told her about the interrogations, for which he had to drop everything and rush off immediately each time - „You don't exactly make yourself popular with that among your colleagues either. Even more days of absence that are hard to explain.“ - about the needlessly long waiting times and the comtempt of the Ministry employees. The interrogations were usually conducted by a Legilimens. Often, though, the Legilimens wasn't available, and Remus had to drink Veritaserum instead. In order to find out if he had been in contact with the Death Eaters or otherwise offended against any of the by now numerous werewolf regulations, the bored ministry official dug carelessly through his memories and thoughts. If he was lucky, then this procedure was over fairly quickly and he could leave again. If, however, he was less lucky and the ministry officials were especially bored, the Legilimens liked to dig just a little deeper than was strictly necessary, the interrogator liked to ask questions that had nothing to do with his law-abidance. Questions he would never have answered without the magical coercion, questions which aimed to humiliate him or to unearth a piece of gossip which could be shared with laughing colleagues during the next coffee break.

But it didn't even require those especially ruthless interrogations for Remus to feel dirty and used on his way back from the Ministry. The influence of the potion alone, the shocking willingness of his tongue to give answers indicriminately to any question asked, the sensation of the careless fingers of strangers fumbling around in his mind, were deeply repulsive to him. But what choice did he have? If he refused to comply with the regulations, there would be repercussions, in the worst case Azkaban. His alternatives were to either follow the rules or to go undercover, which would for all time ruin his chances of ever living a somewhat normal life. He could only hope that the war would be over at some point, and that the Ministry's suspiciousness would abate.

„All of this isn't exactly helping with my job hunt either“, he sighed, „and neither is that I am now required to disclose my werewolf status with every application I send.“

„Job hunt?“, Lily asked, „I thought you had found something good with this magical pest control firm?“

Remus gave a bitter laugh. He didn't like the sound of his voice himself, but he couldn't help it. „No, that is already in the past. In hindsight it may not have been the best of ideas to work in an industry where it is people's job to recognize dangerous magical creatures … After they added two and two together they made it at any rate clear enough that I wasn't welcome anymore.“ He felt something inside of him harden. „At some point I just couldn't bear it anymore.“

Remus still kind of regretted resigning from that job. It had been his first qualified employment in a long time, and his employer had been friendly to him. But he had seen often enough how quickly the initial fear and the cold disdain of his colleagues, once they had learned his secret, could turn into open aggression, even violent assaults, and by now he had developed a pretty good feeling for when it was time to leave. If one worked with dangerous magical creatures, being able to rely on one's co-workers was important. Even, or perhaps especially, if one was classified as such a creature oneself.

Still, it would be hard to find an employment that could compare to this one ever again. He had already contemplated to swallow his pride and apply for some muggle job, but even that was now forbidden to werewolves: The risk for the Statute of Secrecy was allegedly to great.

Something about his expression promted Lily to leave her seat and gently sit down next to him on the bed. She stroked his back in sympathy, just like his mother had often done when he had poured out his heavy heart to her as a child.

 

Whenever he had needed an open ear back then, he had almost always turned to his mother. His father, even though Remus knew how much he must have loved him, how much he had been willing to sacrifice for him day after day, had, in Remus' childhood, often locked himself away, consumed by a grief and a guilt that at times made it almost impossible for him to even look at Remus. Despite his parents' assurances to the contrary, it had always been hard for him to not feel in some way responsible for his family's misery.

It had been forbidden to him to talk to other children, for fear that he might accidently say something that would reveal the family secret, for fear of another wave of hostility, another move, yet another set of burnt bridges. But however rigorously they cloaked themselves in silence and kept away, sooner or later the neighbours always heard something, or saw something, and they were forced to take their chances in yet another corner of the country. But even there, they knew it well, their days were already counted, every contact with the neighbours was a ticking time bomb. Or perhaps, Remus had often thought to himself, it was rather he himself who was the time bomb, passed along from one place to another, again and again, because nobody wanted to keep him around long enough to be there for the explosion.  
The loneliness had been heavy to bear in those days.

Now Remus felt this old loneliness, the foundation on which he had built his life like a house of cards, stretch out its long shadow again to engulf him once more. Something inside of him tensed up. He suddenly felt how heavily the exhaustion of the past sleepless nights weighed on him, how weak and helpless he felt, how powerless, how alone. A sob escaped his lips which seemed to arise from a depth that shocked and surprised even Remus himself. He suddenly became aware of how long it had been since anybody had stroked his back like that, how starved he was for the tiniest token of affection.  
Lily hugged him closer, held him while his body was shaken by violent sobs he didn't have the strength to hold back anymore. Her comforting warmth, her endlessly soothing nearness, coated him like a blanket as he allowed himself to huddle against her and cry, like a child.

 

It wasn't the first time she saw him cry. In the years before Lily had had to go into hiding, they had often met in the evenings for a glass of wine and poured out their hearts to one another.

There were certain things he simply couldn't talk about with his other friends. For Sirius, James and Peter his condition had always been a kind of exciting adventure they had shared together. They had taken it with a light-heartedness which had done him good, but they had never quite understood just how heavily it really weighed on him. With Lily it was different.

Lily understood what it meant to be an outsider, to have 'bad blood', not to belong, not entirely, not really, to find oneself abandoned by those who had once been friends and family.

There were things that she too rather talked about with Remus than with the others.

They had needed one another and they had been there for one another, back in the days when Remus had come to fully realize just how hard life outside the reach of Dumbledore's protective hand would be for him, and when Lily had had to admit to herself that the connection she had once shared with her sister had been shattered for good. The loss of her friendship with Severus still weighed heavily on her, too, Remus knew that even though she didn't like to speak of it.

And yet, in the course of time she had found places for her sadness that didn't lie quite so close to the surface. She had a happy marriage, had started a family of her own, and her life was, despite everything, blossoming. With the years she succeeded, as she always did with admirable ease, to focus her attention firmly on the positives, and to fill the empty spaces of what she had lost with the happiness of all she had won.

Remus, on the other hand, had never been particularly optimistically disposed and the years had given him little reason to change that stance. His time at Hogwarts, in hindsight, seemed like a wonderful dream to him which he had once dreamed. Under Dumbledore's watchful eye and with the support of the best friends he could have wished for, he had felt light, safe and hopeful like never before in his life. But that dream had found an abrupt end with as soon as he had graduated.

He had always feared, had always known deep down, that the incredible luck he had had at Hogwarts could impossibly last, that he was living on borrowed time and that one day he would have to pay the price. And even if a part of him still clung on to the hope that it might come differently, his fears were soon proved right.

After graduation they all – James, Lily, Sirius, Peter and Remus – had joined the Order of the Phoenix, and for a few dizzying weeks it had seemed as if all of his hopes had come true.

There he was, _he_ , living a life he had never thought was possible. He had a school degree, he had friends, and he played an important part in an organization which fought for a better world, together with people who were willing to accept him in their midst, who even valued his special insights and contributions to the cause. But soon enough the façade of his exciting new life began to crumble, ever deeper cracks started to appear between him and his friends, and behind the façade emerged nothing but a grey wall, the dead end his future came down to.

While all his classmates soon succeeded in finding employment and starting their own independent lives, the search for a job turned out to be a complete nightmare for Remus. If he was lucky enough to receive a reply to his applications at all, then he was usually only able to land the poorest paying temporary positions, while it was made perfectly clear to him that he had to be grateful to be hired at all, that he would be the first one getting fired when there were financial troubles and the last one who had any right to complain.

And again the old familiar fear began to creep into his life, the fear of being found out. Once again the time bomb was ticking, once again he lived every day in fear of the explosion.

And that anticipation remained rarely unfulfilled. Sooner or later the truth always came to light, the looks and comments his colleagues and neighbours threw him grew sharper and colder, sooner or later it was time to search for a new job, to move someplace else. Again and again he was forced to start over, as his options continued to dwindle.

He started needing his friends more than they needed him. Sirius threw himself headfirst into work for the Order. Peter found a good employment which left him little time for his friends. Lily and James started their own family and were kept fully busy with that and the demands of the Order. In the beginning his three best friends had still accompanied him during his full-moon nights. Then they excused themselves more and more often. Then even that stopped. James still sent him a bit of money every month so that he could afford his living expenses. They both knew that he would in all likelihood never be able to pay any of it back, and despite the burning feeling of shame he was grateful that James did it anyway.

And yet he could not help the bitter impression that he was being paid off for a friendship which was slowly dying.

He tried not to to resent them. Had he not secretly always known that they would leave him one day? Was he not himself convinced, deep down, that it was best for them to stay away from him? Had he not expected all of this?

What he had not expected was how quickly their growing indifference would turn into dark suspicions. What he had not expected was how much it would hurt.

The news that Lily and James had personally become targets of Lord Voldemort had hit them all hard, and Remus really could not blame his friends for having more important worries than their werewolf friend, that they became tight-lipped and wary. And yet it hurt him how quickly their combined distrust had turned onto him. There was a distance between them that Remus no longer knew how to bridge. And with what right should he impose himself on them? What help could he offer? What did he have to offer to anyone at all anymore, gloomy and bitter as he had become?

He knew loneliness, it felt as familiar as a second skin to him. But how endlessly harder was it to bear now after he had once been allowed to taste of the feelings of friendship and belonging.

But there was one person who did not turn away from him, despite all the good reasons to do so: Lily. On the contrary, she sought his company, she kept talking to him, often for hours on end, and she shared freely with him of her sheer endless treasure of human warmth.

How many times had Lily's gentle words taken his thoughts, which so often circled in their dark spirals, out of the tracks in which they were bogged down and directed the into new, more constructive directions? How many times had she provided comfort to his tired heart, had beaten back the vines of his loneliness and his self-hatred which grasped for him with their boney fingers, and with her unconditional affection given him back a vital piece of self-respect? She had seen him through innumerable dark hours of weakness and she had always shown him that there was light on the other side.

 

When his tears finally began to subside, Lily loosened her embrace and stroked Remus' shoulders with a concerned look on her face.

„Remus, I didn't know any of that“, she said gently, „I'm so sorry, I should have been in touch more.“

„No“, said Remus and dried his face with his sleeve. Already he started to feel embarrassed about his outburst. „No, you had other things to worry about. You have to keep your head low and protect your family, that is more important, much more important.“

„This will all be over soon. Then things will be back to how they were.“

Remus – rather daringly – attempted a smile. They both knew that it was unlikely, but they also both knew that they had to believe it. It was the only way to not go insane in times like these.

„Yes“, he finally said, „Yes, I hope so.“

Then he got up, an effort he only barely managed. His legs protested violently against the sudden strain, his body wanted nothing more than to return to bed and sleep.

„But until then“, he said, „you should return home, to Harry and James, and stay there.“ Once he had fully caught his breath again, his voice grew more insistent. „You and James have not been able to be active in the Order for a while, but after everything I have heard in the last meetings … It really isn't safe anymore for any of you to leave the house. And this place“, Remus continued sadly, „is the very last place you should come. If Voldemort is even half as well-informed and powerful as we suspect, his people will keep a very close eye on it. The protective spells of the order are strong, but they are not infallible. Please Lily“, he added as she looked as if she might to object, „don't put yourself in any more danger for me. If anything should happen to any of you … I could not forgive myself.“

Lily nodded sadly and stood up as well. „This war can't last forever. It will get better.“

„Yes“, Remus smiled and placed his hands on her shoulders. „But until then -“

„I'll go home and keep lying low.“ Her smile was slightly resigned, but they both knew how great the danger was.

„See you, Remus“, she said, and they both shared a long hug.

As Lily finally turned around to leave, Remus held her back for another moment.

„And Lily? Thank you. For everything.“

 

* * *

 

2

About a week later Remus scowled into the tiny mirror over his sink and asked himself if ugliness would be reason enough to cancel going to the party tonight after all. He had put on his best cloak, the one he usually reserved for job interview, but it was hard to deny that even it had seen far better days. Half-heartedly he tried to arrange his facial features into something that would soften the impression of despondence and neglect that seemed written into them, but with limited success. While he tidied his hair and clothes for what felt like the thousandth time, he felt an unpleasant nervous sensation prickling in his guts. It didn't feel like he was going to see old friends. He felt like he was about to enter a lion's cave. At least there would be snacks, he thought as he turned away from his reflection in resignation – he wasn't used to anything but disappointment from it anyway – and grabbed his wand.

He checked one more time that all the protective spells on the house were still active, then he stepped out into the chilly october air. A moment later he found himself in Godric's Hollow and walked down the row of houses until he stopped in front of the Potters' residence. Something inside him tensed up painfully at the sight. He pulled himself together and rang the doorbell.

A moment later a beaming Lily greeted him at the door.

„Remus, come in! The others are already here.“ She stepped aside to let him in.

„This might feel a little bit uncomfortable now“, she warned him as he crossed the doorstep, „just keep still for a moment.“  
Indeed he had the strange sensation of walking through an ice-cold curtain of jelly. At the same time it felt as if invisible fingers were patting him down with an eerily light touch. He shuddered involuntarily. The bandage which he still wore around his wrist suddenly started to loosen as the magic which had held it together was removed. Then the air around him quieted down again.

„It's you!“, Lily called out in mock-surprise and hugged him. „Sorry about that“, she added in a lower voice again, „but you can't be careful enough these days. You get used to the sensation after a while.“

Remus, whose skin was still crawling from it, was inclined to doubt that. He tightened his bandage again and followed Lily down the narrow hallway and into the Potter's living room.

He had almost forgotten how big their house was. The living room alone had to be bigger than his entire flat, and the whole house was filled with a comfortable warmth of which Remus in his dingy little flat could only dream. The cozy upholstery and the long rows of books, photographs and paintings on the walls reminded Remus wistfully of his time at Hogwarts.

And there they were, too, his three former best friends, gathered around the heavy wooden table of the Potters. Remus suddenly became aware of the silence that hovered over the room, and he knew that their conversation had broken off abruptly at his entrance.

„Remus!“, James called out and got up to draw him into one of his hearty hugs. „So glad you could come!“

„James“, Remus returned the hug and felt immense relief wash over him. He remembered that Lily had said James did not suspect him, not actively at least, and he was inclined to believe her.

Then his eyes fell upon Sirius and Peter, who had remained seated, and he felt as if something very heavy had been dropped into his stomach as he saw the dark expressions on their faces. The table suddenly seemed very far away.

„Remus. Hi.“ Sirius lifted a hand in greeting. Peter gave him a pensive look. Their smiles seemed tense.

„Come, sit down with us“, James put an arm around Remus and guided him to an empty chair at the big table. He felt Sirius' gaze burning his skin. „Can I offer you something? Butterbeer, Firewhiskey?“

Remus let his eyes wander across the table, which was overflowing with all kinds of bottles and bowls with snacks. His stomach gave a rather undignified grumble.

James patted him on the back with a grin. „Dig in, Moony. As much as you want.“

The conversation slowly got going again, a little hesitantly, a little tantatively, as if they were all trying to steer a boat which they had not quite learned how to steer yet through dangerous waters together. Time and time again Remus felt that there were pauses behind which lay something that was not meant for his ears. But nonetheless, it got going. Remus mostly kept in the background, only occasionally inserting a remark of his own, and every time he managed to elicit a laugh from one of the others he could have burst with joy.

As the evening went on, the atmosphere relaxed more and more, no doubt the alcohol helped. It almost felt as it once had, it was almost possible for Remus to forget the whole terrible situation they were all in, the war and all the black clouds of doubt hanging over them. Only sometimes, when he listened to James telling one of his stories, did he notice how deeply the lines of worry were etched into his friend's face. When he saw him like that, he couldn't help but mentally tell himself off for how often he had secretly resented James for how distant he had been. Could he really blame James for having become suspicious and unsure, that he was receptive to Sirius' accusations, which in their turn only came from Sirius' own feverish worry about his beest friend? Could he blame any of them for having different priorities than their lycanthropic friend, in the face of the tragedy looming over the Potters? He had not been the only one on whom the last year had weighed heavily.

„How's the job hunting going, Remus?“, Peter suddenly asked and pulled him out of his thoughts. Remus appreciated that Peter wanted to involve him more in the conversation, yet at

the same time he felt intensely uncomfortable as the bright spotlight of four pairs of eyes fell onto him. His cloak suddenly felt way too warm.

„Lily said you had already lost your last position?“

„Yes“, Remus nodded and held his gaze fixed on the wine glass he twirled around in his fingers, „No luck yet. Since June I'm legally required to disclose my werewolf status in all applications. That … hasn't exactly helped my chances.“ His face contorted into a thin smile.

„Those assholes.“ The honest indignation in James' expression meant the world to Remus. „All those new anti-werewolf regulations really make me sick. What are those idiots hoping to achieve?“

„But have you read the Daily Prophet this morning?“, Sirius asked darkly, „Again ten werewolves who joined Voldemort – ten! And it's been going on like that since forever. You can't blame people for being worried.“

„Maybe“, Remus noticed his voice rising heatedly - possible that he had drunken a bit more wine than he should have, „if we were only given a chance of building a life for ourselves legally, there wouldn't be so many of us who feel the need to look elsewhere.“

Remus regretted his words as soon as they left his mouth. He felt four contemplative pairs of eyes resting upon him, the air between them crackling with tension. He bit his tongue.

Why on earth did he have to say 'we'? Did he not sound suspiciously like somebody trying to justify his own misdeeds? Was he just imagining the quick, urgent glance that Sirius shot James?The silence became uncomfortable.

„Well, I'll keep sending out applications“, Remus closed lamely and emptied the rest of his wine glass in one gulp.

A sore point had been hit, a new zone on the sea chart of their conversation was lined in red. As the conversation slowly started up again, Remus felt clearly that he had forfeited his place in it. It now went on largely without him, turned towards events and people he knew nothing about, and this time he stayed out of it deliberately. He wondered dimly how much more wine he could drink before it would attract uncomfortable attention. As Sirius, James and Peter roared with laughter over some anecdote about about a mutual friend Remus had only ever met briefly, Lily moved her chair closer to his and started a conversation of their own with him. She asked him to tell her about the most recent Order meetings, which she and James had not been able to attend anymore. Sirius and Peter had no doubt already told her most of it, but Remus obliged anyway. He was grateful to her for trying to involve him like this, but at the same time he had difficulty hiding how little he felt like talking at the moment. She seemed to notice, and started to tell him more on her own accord. She told him of Harry, who by now made up most of her world, of his successes with eating solid food, his first tries to string words together. Remus felt himself become infected by the loving warmth in her voice. Slightly teary-eyed – he was definitely a little tipsy – he listened to her and felt his mood lift again.

„Where is Harry, by the way?“, Remus finally thought to ask, „Is he asleep already?“

„Yes“, Lily answered, „He is sleeping upstairs in his cot. Do you want to see him?“ As she saw his smile she got up to show him the way.  
James, who up until now had seemed completely immersed in a conversation with the other two, suddenly sat up.

„Are you sure about this, Lily?“, he asked cautiously, „I think we should let him sleep.“

Remus knew without looking that Sirius was keeping a wary eye on him.

Lily shot James an annoyed glance. „We'll be quiet, he won't even notice that we're there. Remus hasn't seen Harry in forever. Come“, she offered Remus a hand, who gladly accepted her help to get up from the chair. The entire way up the staircase towards Harry's room, he tried as well as he could to ignore the glances following him out of the room and the conversation that immediately started up as soon as he was out of eyeshot.

„I'm sorry, Remus“, Lily whispered to him as she gently closed the door behind them, „everyone is a little tense. Nobody knows who to trust anymore. But I know that James still thinks highly of you, you should have heard him rant when I told him how you lost your last job.“

Remus nodded with an unhappy smile. Whatever tension there might be between them, James' sense of justice could be relied on. Except of course, he couldn't help but add, when it came to Severus Snape … Severus … Remus had not expected that he would actually join the Death Eaters. He often wondered if Severus would have chosen the same path had he and the others not been so cruel towards him. That question was impossible to answer, and yet it was hard for Remus to not feel a terrible sense of guilt whenever he thought about it. He knew how much Severus had meant to Lily. Perhaps it was exactly this fact which had thrown off James' usually so reliable moral compass. With a shudder Remus wondered how things might have looked for himself, had he ever revealed his feelings to Lily or any of his friends. As they stood here together, alone in Harry's room lit only by a small night-lamp, it was so easy to imagine a different future, one in which James' played only a marginal role. However hard he tried to push the thought aside, he felt her closeness like a glowing fire.

She snuck closer to Harry's cot and gave her son a look so full of love that it stung in Remus' chest. Gently she waved him closer.

„He is sleeping safe and soundly“, she whispered with a smile.

Remus looked down at Harry, a toddler of little more than a year, warmly snuggled up under a blanket that was covered all over with tiny, glittering snitches and which only James could have chosen. The boy's tiny chest was rising and falling as he peacefully breathed in and out, deeply asleep. His arms and legs were spread out in all directions, his mouth open in a gentle snore as if nothing on earth could harm him. Remus could feel a smile spreading on his face. He felt strangely touched by the complete defenselessness and trust of this tiny human being, who had no idea about the terrible danger he and his parents were in. As they stood there and Lily continued to tell him with glistening eyes and soft, loving words about Harry's most recent accomplishments – for his first birthday he had gotten a toy broom from Sirius which he still flew eagerly, very much to the chagrin of the family cat – and she gently stroked her child's hair, Remus suddenly felt a sharp pang of regret.

He had always liked children, liked their energy, their blind faith in the world, their clear and yet often perplexing sense of logic, which had not yet been forced into the narrow pathways of adulthood. What a task, what an incredible privilege to be allowed to guide a person thus entrusted to one's care on their way out into the world and into their own life! He had always liked children and he had always wanted to have some of his own. But at the same time he knew that he would never have any.

What kind of life did he have to offer to a family, after all? Who would want to share his miserable existence on the fringes of society, the constant relocations, the insults, the lonelines?

Leaving alone the fact that he could not expect any of this from a woman, he could most certainly never condemn a child to it. Did he not know best of all what it was like to always be the other kid, always the new kid, to never be able to stay anywhere for long enough to form any friendships with anyone or to ever feel at home? To live in constant fear that somebody would uncover the family secret? A wave of grief washed over him and flushed away the vain fantasy he had entertained just a few minutes ago. It was replaced by a feeling of self-disgust so intense that it almost overwhelmed him. There he stood in the same room as the baby whose life a dangerous mass murderer, whose power terrified an entire country, was after and with the mother who was trying to defend her son against all possibility, and he once again knew nothing better to do than to feel sorry for himself. Get a grip, Remus.

He became suddenly aware that he had been silent for a very long time. Lily, who looked at her son, deeply in thought, did not seem have noticed it though. In these times everyone had grown pensive and silent.

„He really looks more and more like James“, he finally said to fill the silence. He wanted to tell her so much more which was harder to put into words: How much it broke his heart to think that anybody could ever hurt this child, how much he admired her courage and her perseverance, how incredible sorry he was that it had to be her, her of all people, who had to find herself in such a painful situation, that he would rather go through hell than betray Lily, James and Harry, that this, at least this, she need not worry about. But where did one start with all these things, and how could one say them without ridiculing oneself, without sounding like somebody desperately trying to clear his own name, without reopening old wounds?

Lily looked up, and the amount of love in her eyes made his heart hurt, even though, or perhaps because, he knew that this love was not for him. „Yes“, she replied with a smile, „Once he is older I will have to start labeling the two of them so I can tell them apart.“ They exchanged a weak grin, only poorly concealing the worry hovering over this room.

Finally Lily gave his arm a gentle touch – Did she know how much tiny gestures like this meant to him? – and led him back to the door.

„Come“, she said with a sad smile, „let's go back to the others.“

 

„I think“, Remus said quietly and held her back on the landing of the stairs for a moment, „I think it's best if I go altogether. I should leave.“

Lily looked him over with some concern. „Are you sure? Don't worry too much about what Sirius says, I'm sure he - “

„No“, Remus interrupted her and, in anticipation of the cold evening air that would await him outside, wrapped himself more tightly into his cloak. „That is quite alright. I should leave. Thanks for the invitation.“

She gave him a last squeeze and stroked his arm in sympathy. Then they went down the stairs together.

After a rather uncomfortable goodbye from the rest of the group Remus found himself outside in the cold October night, which after the cozy warmth of the house seemed even colder.

With moderate excitement he thought about the tiny, draughty flat that was awaiting him, and, on slightly unsteady feet, left the Potter's property to apparate back into his own neighbourhood.  
He felt more miserable than he had before his visit.

 

* * *

 

3

On the first of November 1981 Remus awoke early in the morning in a wood-paneled hotel room in the North of the country. A long day was ahead of him. Today he and the other members of the Order of the Phoenix who were stationed up here would try to meet up with the werewolf packs and to find out whether or not they worked for Voldemort as they suspected. It would be Remus' job to talk to them and try to possibly make them a better offer. More likely than not, though, there would be a fight. It was an thankless task. These people were not Death Eaters out of conviction – the Death Eaters hardly treated werewolves any better than the general wizarding society – but out of sheer desperation. Their only hope was that whatever would follow Voldemort's rise to power would be better than what they had now. Remus hoped that he would be able to get through to them, but he had no illusions about it. May it be out of conviction or desperation, whole packs of werewolves following Voldemort's orders was very bad news, and it was their task to neutralise that danger by whatever means were necessary.

Nonetheless, Remus thought as he washed and dressed himself for the day, he would be glad once all of this was over and he could return home again. He could not claim to feel particularly comfortable among the other members of the expedition, many of which he knew only very briefly and to whom he was mainly known as 'the werewolf'. But there were things more important than his comfort.

As Remus, steeling himself with this thought, walked down the staircase and into the dining hall to eat his breakfast, he was, to his great surprise, met with the tumultuous noise of a roaring party. It was 5 am. What on earth was going on here? Remus let his confused gaze wander around the room, where about twenty people – some of them other members of the operation, others some other hotel guests he did not recognize, Remus had no idea what could have made them leave their warm beds at this early an hour – were drinking and celebrating with exuberant abandon. There were many red faces in the room, most of them clearly drunk, many tear-streaked, and there was excited chatter and laughter everywhere.

Almost all of these people seemed downright delirious with joy. As Remus' still half-asleep brain struggled to take all of this in and he started to wonder if maybe he was still dreaming, a thick-set man suddenly departed from the crowd and came rushing towards him. Remus recognized him as Mr. Bridgeford, another member of the expedition though no member of the order. The small wizard laughed heartily and thrust a glass of champagne into his hand. Remus stared blankly at him.

„You-know-who is dead!! It's all on the house today!“, the red-faced man shouted over the clutter of voices, laughter and music, swaying slightly on unsteady legs – he quite obviously had had plenty of the champagne already. „It's over! War's over!“ And to Remus' complete surprise, the man suddenly gave him a wild hug which spilled half of Remus' drink.

„Voldemort … has been defeated?“

„Yes! Yes!! Exactly, it's all over!“, the small man exclaimed with another laugh and grabbed a bottle of butterbeer from a table. „Tried to attack the wrong people last night, and now it's over. He's dead, Mr. Wolf, we are free!“

Mr. Bridgeford gave Remus a last, energetic pat on the back before he turned around and disappeared back into the thick of the party. At the other side of the room somebody let a firework of glittering stars erupt from his wand. The crowd cheered and clapped.

Remus stood there motionless as his mind raced to try and process these colossal news. Could it really be? He barely dared to trust the man's words, but what else could bring all these people to leave their beds and have a party like this at five in the morning?

„Here“, a voice suddenly said next to his ear. Emmeline Vance, whom Remus knew from the order meetings and who was supposed to lead today's expedition, handed him a copy of the most recent edition of the Daily Prophet. Right on the front page it said in big letters „YOU-KNOW-WHO DEFEATED – ALL OF BRITAIN CELEBRATING“, surrounded by a multitude of moving photos of ecstatic wizards and witches doing just that. Wedged into the lower right corner was a pointer towards an article on page 17, „Celebrations and the International Statute of Secrecy – These are the things you need to bear in mind.“

As the crowd behind him erupted into cheerful, and more than a little slurred, song, Remus felt an untamable joy spreading through his body like a wildfire. Could it really be true? Was the nightmare over? Did the others already know? Did Lily and James know that the danger was past? An uncontrollable grin began to spread across his face. Voldemort was gone! He could have danced for joy.

„He really is gone“, Remus looked up from the Daily Prophet in his hand and stared at Emmeline in amazement. He felt lighter than he had in years. „It's over!“

On a sudden whim Remus laughed out loud and drew the wiry witch into a rather one-sided hug.

„So what now“, he asked cheerily, „Are we still going out to the werewolves today?“

Emmeline shook her head. There was a seriousness in her face, which, in light of the good news they had just received, seemed oddly out of place to Remus. But then again Emmeline was known for her sober competence and not exactly for her cheery disposition.

„The mission has been canceled. The packs have scattered as soon as they heard the news. We won't reach them anymore. Our work here is done.“ She placed a hand on his shoulder and leaned in a little closer to continue with a lower voice. „And Remus? Read the whole article. You might want to sit down for this.“ She gave him another pat on the shoulder and walked away again. Remus felt a tiny spark of fear. There had been something in her tone of voice which he did not like at all.

He sat down at a table slightly apart from the rest of the crowd and began to read. As he did, something inside of him started to crumble.

The contents of the article rained down on him like punches. The wild joy he had felt just a moment ago was gone, swallowed by the bottomless abyss he suddenly felt yawning beneath his feet. The noises of the party reached him only strangely muffled, his ears felt as if they were stuffed with cotton. He could not believe it, he had to read the article multiple times. But its contents did not change: Voldemort was dead – as were Lily, James and Peter. Sirius had been taken to Azkaban. Harry had apparently been brought to safety by Dumbledore, where to only the man himself knew. How could this be true? How could there be a world in which all this was true? A world in which Lily and James weren't alive anymore? Neither Peter? A world in which Sirius …? Remus felt as if his world had been shattered into a thousand pieces like a mirror, fragmented and incomprehensible. He felt as if he himself had been shattered into a thousand pieces. And there he stood now, in the midst of all the rubble and the shards, and tried in vain to put them back together into something that made any kind of sense.

Everything around him felt unreal, like a dream that had suddenly turned into a nightmare. He stood up from the table, his movements slow as if he was underwater, and directed his clumsy steps towards the staircase, back to the guest rooms. He could impossibly stay here with all these celebrating people, not if -

Out of the corner of his eye he could see that Emmeline Vance had kept a watchful eye on him from the other side of the room. Something about his appearance made her now push through the crowd to get back to him, she reached for his elbow, she asked him something, but he could not understand the words. None of it made any sense. He somehow managed to shake her off – he didn't want to talk right now, he could not talk right now – and to make his way back up the stairs and into his room. He closed the door behind himself and for a long time he simply stood there, eyes wide open and staring into nothingness, a ringing in his ears as if he had just survived the detonation of a bomb.

The entire street torn open, a dozen of muggles dead, only a finger left of Peter Pettigrew. Poor, brave Peter … And Sirius … Sirius had …

He read the article another time, let his eyes wander one more time over the names of his friends whom he would never see again. Then he read it again. And again. What else was there to do in a world that had lost all sense and reason? What else was there to cling on to?  
_Lily and James … How could it be? He had only just met them, such a short time ago. He had wanted to visit them, to celebrate with them, they would have hugged each other and they would have laughed and cried … and cried …_

And then, finally, the tears came. A weight heavy as lead dragged him down onto the floor, his legs gave way under him and he curled up like a wounded animal. His face contorted into a voiceless scream – the kind of scream that never finds its way outside, instead condemned to resound inside for all eternity, the painful, useless echo of an unspeakable anguish. The numbness started to fall off him and left him alone with a terrible pain.

At first he cried silently, then he lost all control. He heard noises from outside his door, somebody knocked, voices he didn't recognize called his name. He didn't care. The world on the other side of that door didn't exist to him any longer, he did not recognize it, it had lost all reason. What did exist was the pain, was the helpless anger, the suffocating despair, the bottomless abyss which kept widening and widening and sent everything else tumbling down into its depths.

While all of Great Britain was celebrating that the world had become significantly more whole, Remus was grieving in the midst of the shards of his. There he cowered, doubled over on a mountain of rubble, overwhelmed by the enourmous task in front of him. One day, he knew, he would have to take all of these shards into his hands, one by one, and piece them back together as well as he could. One day he would have to move on as if it was possible to ever move on.

But for now he would cry, like a child.

 

 


End file.
